


Delicate

by Sweetthings



Category: Faberry - Fandom
Genre: F/F, Faberry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-13
Updated: 2020-07-26
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:42:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 20,771
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24144580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sweetthings/pseuds/Sweetthings
Summary: After a summer filled with questions and feelings, Rachel finds herself in a twisted web of trying to achieve her dreams and falling in love with someone who doesn't even want to be friends.
Relationships: Rachel Berry/Quinn Fabray
Comments: 17
Kudos: 98





	1. True Colours

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am slowly, chapter by chapter, creating a playlist to go along with this story so that you can listen to the songs in order as they are being sung throughout! 
> 
> Also, it makes it easier for me when proofreading! A win-win really.

Senior Year. That’s what I have just walked into, my senior year at William Mckinley High school. One last year in the place that has allowed me to draw the stepping stones to my career while bringing me back down to earth with slushies and shoves into my locker and that was all just because I was in glee club, so you can let your imagination run wild with the consequences of being gay. Yet I have come back year after year, not letting sweaty jock boys and nasty mean girls push me out because I knew that I needed to be here in order to make my break as a big star and let’s face it, every star has a great struggle to tell the world once they have made it, mine will just be in the form of red dye number six and graffiti drawings of me in the bathroom stall.

This summer, I had a strategic plan of vocal classes, script reading and drama classes to boost my abilities and transcripts for NYADA and it was going swimmingly, I had a stellar few weeks in the beginning and my skills were doubling by the day and I knew that the gold star I stick beside my name was only fingertips away. That was until I had a messy night toward the end of summer.

Kurt had decided that it was time to get my head out of the Funny Girl script and take a break, something I am not accustomed to so with my progress being what it was I figured it wouldn’t hurt to take a night off from it all and agreed to go to a party that was being hosted by Noah Puckerman, a boy that I had still yet to figure out, his rugged and hard exterior was in contradiction to any of the time I had spent alone with him, I found he was entirely sweet and gentle but I guess you do what you can to make it through Lima without a scratch on you, something I was not managing very well.

Needless to say, the night did not go as smoothly as I would have liked, with my feelings for a certain bright smile and a cheerio costume coming to the forefront but we can blame the alcohol. I don’t drink very much on account of not wanting to ruin my organs so they are always sharp and ready for a big number, so when I do drink, well let’s just say it may affect me a little more than the average teenager.

God, I spent the last few weeks, going over and over that night, torturing myself with all my mistakes and what if’s, and though I still attended my classes and read through my drama scripts, there was always a slight lack of attention to detail and when it came to the end of those classes, I was somewhat nauseated because it meant that summer was over and I would have to step foot into a building and be followed around by that same smile and that same uniform, all the while trying to repress my feelings and go on being the star I knew I was going to be. Though I will admit that it is quite difficult to muster up motivation and passion when the thing you’re so passionate about wants nothing to do with you and will go out of their way to make sure you know that.

I will say, that Finn has been a more than stellar friend during my crisis of unrequited love. Spending hours on the phone or sitting in a coffee shop listening to me tell my sad tale and telling me that I was worthy of the love I wanted, though I didn’t believe him I did appreciate that he believed what he was saying and that he never judged me or pushed me when I didn’t have much to say so I never protested the things he said because they did help me to some degree and it was nice to be around someone who actually cared for you and even though it was platonic, it still filled some of the hole that was left in my chest. I suppose you could say he was the reason I was able to push through the last few weeks without giving up entirely.

Now we’re here and the memories of that night are slowly finding their way back into my head and I have to try and come up with a way to make sure that I don’t get bogged down by this missing puzzle piece, but so far that has been proving to be quite difficult. It’s even more difficult when she’s everywhere I go, down every corridor and every classroom, god I swear she even knows my bathroom routine or the universe is mocking me, either way, it’s conflicting, seeing somebody you could really do without seeing but always slightly hoping in the back of your mind that you do see them.

So here goes nothing I guess, my quest to stardom and the hope of breathlessly pushing through a broken heart.


	2. True Colours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It has just come to my attention that I accidentally uploaded the first two parts backwards and I had a mild stroke!
> 
> but I fixed it so...please continue and enjoy! x

“Don’t you think these songs are a little outdated for what we’re trying to achieve here?” I ask Mr Schue. We had been sitting here for the last hour trying to find songs for sectionals and frankly all of the songs he was suggesting were, although great, they were old and I wasn’t about to let his awful ideas ruin our chances at a trophy or mine for the gold star above my head.

“What do you mean?” He asks and I go to speak but I’m classically interrupted by Santana.

“What she means is that we smashed it last year at sectionals and these crusty ass songs are not going to cut it because as much as you and your outdated flare bottom trousers seem to think, this isn’t nineteen seventy, we need something current that won’t put people into a deep uncomfortable sleep”

“Well that’s not quite what I meant”

“Can it hippo! we all know it’s what you were thinking” Santana says and I hear a snicker from behind me which prompts a little jump in my heart that I choose to ignore.

“Ok so what do you suggest then?” Mr Schue finally asks.

“I think we should go for something that really says who we are” Finn speaks up, how cute, he’s so sweet and I tend to agree with him frequently, he looks over at me with a smile and nods as if to tell me he’s got my back and I accept.

“Hm, maybe not a bad idea. OK, this weeks assignment, I want you all to find a song that you feel represents you best and we’ll see what we come up with” The bell rings as Mr Schue finishes his sentence and the room clears out quickly leaving me alone. I hate to rush, I’m afraid the stress of running from place to place will give me frown lines which is no good when trying to make it on to Broadway.

“Y’know,” A soft voice says from behind me and I jump a little.

“You’d do well to say exactly what you’re really thinking rather than what you think you should say,” She says with a glint in her eyes as she walks down the steps toward me.

“I don’t know what you mean, I said exactly what I was thinking,” I say shyly, ignoring the pounding in my chest.

“No, you said what you thought would hurt Mr Schue’s feelings the least and then Santana told him the real story, and Finn jumped out with an idea that I could guess you told him about earlier but didn’t want to say out loud,” She says with a knowing look and I bow my head feeling a little embarrassed that I was so obvious.

“ I’m just not quite as confident as you guys I guess ”

“ Well, you’ve no reason not to be,” She says and walks past me leaving me little stunned. What does she mean by that?

I leave the classroom and head toward my locker catching a glimpse of her giggling with some boys from the football team who are no doubt trying to out flirt each other for her attention which she is giving them with ease. My heart feels two things, pure joy, just watching her and hearing her laugh and then a punch of jealousy. It seems so easy for her, to pretend like nothing ever happened all those months ago but I’m not going to stand here and begrudge that because that’s not what I’m here for, I have no right to force someone into thinking or talking about something that they’d rather forget, though I would like to know if it meant something like I feel it did or if it was a mistake that was fuelled by drink and messy emotions that all teenagers feel at this point in life. My mouth drys up when she glances my way for a split second and suddenly I’m lost in my mind.

“One of these days you’re going to have to either talk to her or move on,” Finn says beside me and I quickly snap out of my thoughts and shove my books in my bag and slam my locker shut.

“I don’t know what you mean,” I say and walk away from him quickly but he catches up.

“C’mon Rachel, we both know you have feelings for her, but you can’t just stare at her from far away forever”

“Yes I can and until my feelings find their way into a little hole and disappear, that is exactly what I will do”

“But why?” He asks, following me out of the building.

“Because, we both know it makes no sense, she is top of the social pyramid, crazy beautiful, has boys swarming all over her and I’m the annoying little Jewish girl with an ego that annoys everyone and walking with me guarantees a slushy to the face, it would never happen”

“Hey stop! you’re just as beautiful as her and she would be lucky to be with someone like you” He says grabbing my arm to stop me walking away.

“That’s sweet Finn, but I have to face it, it’s never going to happen and besides, if I want to be a star I can’t let a doomed relationship distract me from my hard-work! so I’m deciding right now to move on fr-“ my words get caught in my throat as she brushes past me, leaving behind her sweet perfume.

“Yeah good luck with that” Finn says from behind me and I can see the smirk on his lips. I shake my head and walk swiftly away from him and make my way home, all the while trying to shake off the feelings swirling around in my stomach.

I wish I could believe all the things Finn had said to me, really I do, but the fact of the matter is that the status quo is what people in this school thrive to meet and she is no exception to that rule, when you’re a cheerleader and the prettiest girl that walks the halls, you have a certain reputation to uphold and being in glee club has already tainted that for her so being with me would be like throwing gasoline on a fire and I understand that because high school is awful and we all have to do what we can to survive.  
So this year, I’ve decided to throw my head into my work and progress to get myself to New York and not let myself be distracted by unrequited love and the memories of the summer because what’s the point? I can worry about love when I have achieved what I want to this year.

********

“So, tell us what song you’re going to sing today,” Blaine says, slumped beside my locker accompanied by Kurt.

“I’m not,” I say lowly, shoving some books in and locking it.

“Excuse me? Rachel Berry is not going to be the first one to sing in class?” Kurt said shocked and I just shrugged my shoulders. Admittedly I didn’t get much sleep last night so unfortunately, my brain couldn’t function enough to come up with a song or even if I had, I’m not sure I would have been able to sing it very well.

“I didn’t sleep much last night”

“Y’know now that you mention it, you do seem a little paler than usual,” Kurt says and I give him a look.

“Kurt!, something on your mind?” Blaine asks but I just shake my head and he gets the hint because he moves the conversation on.

“Well I have the perfect song”

“Every song you sing is perfect” Kurt bats his eyelashes at Blaine and they walk away from me, arm in arm leaving me feeling a little forlorn.

Contrary to what I had told Finn, it was difficult for me to get that sweet perfume out of my mind all week and no matter what I did, I couldn’t focus on anything else, which can be a fault of mine, to overthink everything until I burn out. It seemed to me that moving on and focusing on my music wasn’t going to be as easy as I had initially thought but that wasn’t going to stop me from trying.

I made my way into the choir room and sat at the back which was maybe the wrong idea because pretty much everyone noticed I didn’t take my usual place right up the front. Mr Schue steps into the room and gives me a confused look but moves on swiftly to start the class.

“OK, I hope you’ve prepared something good for me! Rachel, would you like to go first today?” He asks and I open my mouth to speak but thankfully Puck interrupts me just before I can protest.

“Actually Mr Schue, I was hoping I could go first? I’ve got something pretty bomb for this?”

“Oh by all means Puck, take it away,” He says and sits down, letting Puck take the floor and with a soft strum of the guitar he starts signing in that raspy tone.

What I wonder it's like to be the rainmaker  
I wonder what it's like to know that I made the rain  
I'd store it in boxes with little yellow tags on everyone  
And you can come and see them when I'm  
Done, when I'm done

I wonder what it's like to be a superhero  
I wonder where I'd go if I could fly around downtown  
From some other planet, I get this funky high on yellow sun  
Boy I bet my friends will all be  
stunned, they're stunned  
Straight up, what did you hope to learn about here  
If I were someone else, would this all fall apart  
Strange, where were you, when we started this gig,  
I wish the real world, would just stop hassling me  
And you, and you, and me

I wonder what it's like to be the head honcho  
I wonder what I'd do if they all did just what I said  
I'd shout out an order, I think we're out of this man get me some  
Boy don't make me wanna change my  
tone, my tone

Straight up, what did you hope to learn about here  
If I were someone else, would this all fall apart  
Strange, where were you, when we started this gig  
I wish the real world, would just stop hassling me  
Please don't change, please don't break  
Could the only thing that seems to work at all is you  
Please don't change, at all from me to you  
And you, to me

Straight up, what did you hope to learn about here  
If I were someone else, would this all fall apart  
Strange, where were you, when we started this gig  
I wish the real world, would just stop hassling me

I wish the real world, would just stop hassling me  
I wish the real world, would just stop hassling me  
I wish the real world, would just stop hassling me  
And you, and me!

Puck plays the last chord and the room fills with cheers and whoops for him and he takes a small bow.

“Amazing Puck!” Mr Schue claps and Pucks nods at him.

“I figured, I’m not really sure who I am yet, but what I do know about myself is that I want to live life in my way and not the way I’m expected to”

“Well, I think you summed that up perfectly so well done,” Mr schuss says and Puck takes his seat and the room waits for the next volunteer.

“Anyone else?” Mr Schue asks and the room stays quiet. Heads turning towards me waiting for me to say something.

“Rachel?” Mr Schue asks and this time no one takes the fall for me so I have to answer.

“Uhm, not today Mr Schue, my song isn’t quite ready yet,” I say as confidently as I possibly could but I’m not sure if anyone actually bought it. Finn turns to look at me with concern on his face.

“Ok, well that was a great start for us today, Uhm, Britney why don’t you give us your song,” He asks and Britney quickly jumps up from her seat and into the middle of the floor. I only hear the first line and then my mind turns off and I slump a little in my chair, tuning out from what's going on around me. I can feel her eyes on me every few seconds and I wonder why she’s watching me like that, though I suppose it’s extremely odd that I’m not singing already but I try to ignore the looks and whispers which works blissfully until the bell goes to remind me that I have 6 more classes of hell to get through.

“So what’s the real reason you didn’t sing today?” Finn asks as we exit the choir room but I shrug it off.

“Oh c’mon Rach, you can tell me, it’s about her isn’t it?”

“It’s not, I just didn’t sleep much”

“You couldn’t stop thinking about her could you?” He asks and I pause a moment.

“No”

“Y’know, I think that’s your problem”

“What?”

“You do everything with full attention, everything is done with the most passion and you never do anything in halves, which means that when you love someone, you love them sometimes a little too much for your own good,” He says and leaves my side to go to his next class, leaving me with the lingering idea that he may actually be right.

*********  
Thank god for lunch period, I was pretty sure that at this point my brain was going to explode out my ears, although I know that’s not entirely possible, it sure felt it today and I was living for the moment I could sit with my friends and let them gossip away to take my mind off of literally anything that was swimming around in my head.  
I search for Finn as I walk into the hall and catch him waving at me from the back of the room and I make my way toward him but as I step forward, I’m caught by the smile of a certain cheerleader and my feet forget how to move, she catches my eye and the smile quickly drops from her face and she brushes past me with an air that made me somewhat uneasy. I quickly snap my head together and make my way over to everyone and sit down with a sigh.

“Rough day?” Mercedes ask and I nod before dropping my head on the table.

“Are you going to tell us what’s going on now or?” Kurt asks and I see Blaine nudge him in the side, silently asking him to back off and I was thankful for the gesture.

“This hasn’t got anything to do with your summer encounter does it?” Mercedes asks and I watch everyone’s ears perk up as I start to sweat.

I may have ranted to Mercedes one evening during the summer when I was panicking in my room and Finn wasn’t available to console me. I didn’t give her much detail about the situation, I brushed past what had really happened but it was clear that I was confused and possibly broken-hearted.

Finn looks at me wide-eyed wondering if I’m going to spill my guts but there was no way I was doing that, this room is like a sound vacuum and news spreads like a rash in this school.

“Oh my god, it is!” Mercedes gasps. I guess I took a little too long to answer.

“Excuse me? Rachel Berry had a summer fling?” Kurt jumps in.

“No I didn’t not and it is not about that,” I say quickly.

“Oh, I need to know more because there is no way this prissy lady had some random summer tango” Kurt ignores my denial.

“Ok, let me be clear, there was no tango, it has nothing to do with that and I resent the use of the word prissy” I quip and it earns a chuckle from everyone at the table.

“Y’know, maybe we should leave Rachel alone, she can tell us when she wants,” Blaine says looking at me with the most gentle eyes and I smile at him.

“Ugh fine, but I will find out more if it kills me,” Kurt says and I believed he would pry until he got all the information that he wanted.

I sit back in my chair as the group gets lost in another conversation, most of which I couldn’t keep up with but I did hear something about a peach scarf which sounds like a crime if you ask me.  
I can see her outside, laughing and smiling with her friends and I wonder why she looked at me the way she did earlier, it seemed to me as though she was angry with me and maybe I couldn’t blame her after what happened, or maybe I could, but she spoke to me at the beginning of the week and now all of a sudden she gives me those signature icy eyes that we all know too well.

******** Flashback*******

_“QUINN!” I shout, chasing the girl down the street. god, it was freezing._

_“Leave me alone Rachel!” She shouts back but I keep chasing her and eventually I catch up with her and tug on her arm to stop her running away._

_“Rachel, I told you to leave me alone!” She spins around in my grip and I watch her gaze melt a little as she looks at me but it’s quickly replaced with the cold look that she had run out onto the street with._

_“Quinn, please don’t run off like this” I beg._

_“What would you rather I do? go back in there with you? fat chance of that” She snorts and it cuts me a little. I couldn’t see what was so amusing._

_“Look, I can’t explain what happened in there but-“_

_“A mistake Rachel, that’s what happened, a BIG mistake and you can dream on if you think for one second that I am going back in there with you!” She shouts and my heart hurts just a little more. We stare at each other for what feels like forever and I let out a sigh because I know her, she’s stubborn and won’t back down. I let go of her arm slowly and drop my head._

_“Fine, but can you’re not walking alone, it’s late and dark”_

_“You are not-“_

_“I don’t mean me” I cut her off. I mean sure, I would have much rather have walked her home myself but it was clear she wanted to be nowhere near me._

_“Finn!” I shout, seeing the footballer crossing the street. He notices me and runs over._

_“What’s up?” He asks._

_“Would you mind walking Quinn home, I promised Blaine I would stick with him so I can’t go and it’s really late” I say, thinking on the spot so as not to make him suspicious. He looks at me little confused but agrees nonetheless._

_“Of course”_

_“I don’t need a bodyguard” Quinn snaps and Finn looks at me again confused, wondering why the blonde was so snippy._

_“No one said you did,” I say gently and she locks eyes with me again._

_“Rach is right Quinn, it’s super late and it wouldn’t be safe for any of us to walk alone” Finn jumps in. Quinn lets out a loud grunt, clearly displeased but I think she knew in her head that I was right._

_“Fine, let’s go Hudson” Quinn gives in and makes a step forward._

_“Is everything ok?” Finn asks me quietly and I shrug._

_“Are you coming or not?!” Quinn shouts and Finn runs to her side. I watch them walk away, my heart pounding against my chest and I catch her look back at me for a split second with an expression I couldn’t quite read._

I knew that night that Quinn Fabray was going to become my kryptonite.


	3. Sue Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi Guys!
> 
> I know these chapters are a little flat but just bear with, I'm just giving you some foundation before the big stuff!
> 
> Also as I said before, I am building a playlist to go along with this so if anyway want's access to it I will happily allow for that. I find adding music to reading gives it more impact.

“OK! Pardon me Mr.Schue but I like to perform my song!” I announce as I walk into the choir room, I had interrupted Mr.Schue in the middle of one of his speeches but I had a good nights rest, drank some honey and lemon and I was ready to sing my song. I decided that since yesterday was somewhat of a disaster and actually the rest of the week had been too, I spent the evening perking myself up and telling myself that I wasn’t going to let those beautiful eyes take away what was rightfully mine, my stardom, no matter how beautiful they were. So I listened to my favourite Streisand music, wrote some songs and sure enough, I was feeling right as rain.

“Rachel, nice to see you back to your usual self,” He says watching me as I took my place centre stage.

“Thank you, a minor blip but thanks to a friend, I found my song and my motivation,” I say looking over to Finn and he smiles at me.

“Wanky” Santana quips from the back row but I choose to ignore her as per usual.

“Ok well whenever you’re ready Rachel”

Am I bad for you?

'Cause I live for the fire, and the rain, and the drama too, boy

And it feels like you

Never say what you want

And it feels like I can't get through, babe

Ooh, babe

'Cause when I get so low, it takes me higher

I'm not afraid to know my heart's desire, ooh ah!

When I party, then I party too much

When I feel it, then I feel it too much

When I'm thinking, then I'm thinking too much

When I'm drinking, then I'm drinking too much

I'll do anything to get to the rush

Now I'm dancing, and I'm dancing too much

So be careful if you're wanting this touch

'Cause if I love you, then I love you too much

Is this too, is this too

Is this too much?

Is this too, is this too

Is this too much?

_Part of me was singing this song because it was true, I always do things a little too much, I put all my effort into the task at hand and whether it’s dancing, school work or love, the effort and the workload are the same, but the other side of me wanted to share my romantic feelings, singing was the only way I knew how to really process something so this song fits perfectly. I like her too much, I think about her too much and it’s all-consuming._

'Am I too close?

'Cause you fold into me like a heart with a beat

I know now, I know now

And did you know that I'm wild for your skin

And the dance that we're in, so close now, so close now

'Cause when I get so low, it takes me higher 

I'm not afraid to know my heart's desire, ooh ah!

When I party, then I party too much

When I feel it, then I feel it too much

When I'm thinking, then I'm thinking too much

When I'm drinking, then I'm drinking too much

I'll do anything to get to the rush

Now I'm dancing, and I'm dancing too much

So be careful if you're wanting this touch

'Cause if I love you, then I love you too much

Is this too, is this too

Is this too much?

Is this too, is this too

Is this too much?

I finished the song, cutting it a little short as I felt the message had been communicated nicely already and my eyes shot to Quinn’s for a brief moment, wondering if she got it and from the look on her face I had no clue, those icy eyes were giving nothing away. I wasn’t quite sure if I wanted her to get it or not but I did need to say how I felt because I was cracking up and I needed to let it out somehow.

I’m aware of the claps around the room as I finish and I stand with a smile plastered on my face.

“That was certainly worth the wait Rachel,” Mr.Schue says as he comes to stand beside me and I thank him with a slight nod.

“Quinn? you got something for us?” He asks and she stands up from her chair somewhat unwillingly. How is it that she has to sing directly after me? the universe was having a laugh with itself I reckon. She stands in the centre of the room, her cheerios outfit hugging her body perfectly and a seductive grin on her face.

Remember when you said that there's no second chance?

Oh baby, I heard you been hoping you could change the past

You miss the longer nights

You miss the long goodbyes

You miss the longer nights 

Well did you ever think that it was hard for me?

Do I get off like nothing happened, nonchalantly?

I got you feeling like

I got you feeling right

I got you feeling like

That's my shape, I made the shadow

That's my name, don't wear it out though

Feeling myself can't be illegal, illegal

_what in the world is this? Why is she singing this?_

So sue me for looking so pretty tonight

Wearing your favourite colour under the lights

For moving on, doing everything right

So sue me for being good friends with your friends

And running into you at the place that we met

For being something you can't forget

So sue me 

_She’s belting out this song, making her way around the room seducing the boys and I can probably speak for everyone when I say I’m extremely confused. This isn’t who she is? how does this represent who she is deep down?_

It's hard to see me on when you've been off as hell

But I'm not gonna throw myself because you adore yourself

I know it's hard to see

What you don't want to see

I know it's hard to see 

That's my shape, I made the shadow

That's my name, don't wear it out though

Feeling myself can't be illegal, illegal

_She keeps going and I can’t help the heat that rises in my body, watching her move the way she does, that uniform was not helping matters either, but that is totally beside the point! why is she singing this song?_

So sue me for looking so pretty tonight

Wearing your favourite colour under the lights

For moving on, doing everything right

So sue me for being good friends with your friends

And running into you at the place that we met

For being something you can't forget

So sue me

Oh, I, I, I guess I'm hard to ignore

Pick up that jaw off the floor

So sue me for looking so pretty tonight

Wearing your favourite colour under the lights

For moving on, doing everything right

So sue me for being good friends with your friends

And running into you at the place that we met

For being something you can't forget

So sue me

Sue me, baby

She finishes the last note and the boys clap and whoop while I sit and watch her confused and unsure. Mr.Schue stands up and claps, I can’t deny her voice, it’s beautiful and she sang the song extremely well but it still doesn’t make sense and I can see by the look on Mr Schue’s face that he’s thinking the same.

“That was brilliant Quinn but I’m not sure how that translated into who you are as a person”

“Well you see Mr.Schue, my reputation at this school is very important, head cheerleader, prom queen, I’m just living up to that,” She says smugly and I can’t help but feel a little shocked. 

Sure Quinn could be a bitch when she felt like it, which was probably eighty per cent of the time but the other twenty per cent of the time she was kind and caring, wholesome and smart. She always has a new book to read, her grades are impeccable and she’s talented, she wasn’t just a uniform and a crown so why was she making out like that’s who she was?

I couldn't help but feel as though that sentence was meant for me in a way like she wanted me to know that her reputation was more important than anything that I felt or had to say or anything that may have happened between us in the past. Even still, if she sang that song to prove a point to me then I’m afraid I’ve misunderstood the message or at least not really heard it because it more sounded to me like she was living up to something just so that she could hide behind it.

“Uhm ok, well that’s it for this week guys, I’ll go over everything this weekend and we can discuss it all on Monday morning ok?” He says just as the bell rings and everyone piles out.

“That’s not who you are you know,” I say gently as she’s about to leave the room and she stops in her tracks but stays turned away room me so I take a step towards her.

“I know that you like to be on top of the pyramid, but that’s not all you are Quinn, not deep down and I’m not quite sure why you wouldn’t want to show who you really are,” I say just above a whisper, there’s a certain tension that has just filled the room and I can feel it getting a little heavier.

“What would you know?” She asks as she turns to face me, a gesture that momentarily renders me incapable of feeling any of my limps.

“Look, maybe I don’t know you well enough to know all your innermost thoughts, but what I do know is that apart from being beautiful and popular, you’re smart and funny and full of advice and you care, I know you do, you care about your friends-“

“Listen Rachel-“

“You don’t have to listen to me, I've drawn the conclusion this week that you’d rather listen to a pig squeal than my voice, but at least listen to yourself and be brave enough to show your true colours” 

She doesn’t answer me, she just stares and me, her facial expression is unwavering but I can see that her eyes are wanting to melt but I don’t wait for her to respond. I give her a small smile and duck my head before walking out leaving her behind me.

I meant what I had said to her, she was beautiful, there was no doubting that’d maybe that’s why she was so popular, especially with the boys but to me, that’s not what she was worth, she wasn’t just something pretty to look at, I mean even the prettiest flower in the garden has a purpose in the world and Quinn was no exception, I didn’t find myself falling for her because of her smile, god that smile, but rather the fact that underneath that cocky exterior, was somebody who was genuine and selfless and that meant more to me. 

Not that it matters what I feel, Quinn will do whatever it is she feels and she will be whoever she wants to be and right now she wants to be the queen bee so she’ll do that but I’m not going to be the same as all these other people by letting her think that it’s what she’s worth in this life because that would be tragic. 

“So Rachel, this mystery summer fling, can you tell me who it was now or are you still acting like it never happened?”

“I never said it didn’t happen, Kurt, I just said there was no….tango” I answered him as he followed me through the exit. He didn’t answer me for a moment, a look of wonder on his face.

“Hm, coffee?” 

“Love one,” I say and follow him to the Lima Bean. 

Kurt sits with me for a while, sipping on something that I can’t pronounce and talking to me about trivial things like assignments and teachers but I knew he was gearing up to ask me the question he had been hounding me with all week so I just waited patiently.

"Ok, so spill”

_ Ah, there it is! _

“Kurt, I really don’t feel like-“

“You don’t have to tell me who it is, but could you at least tell me what happened, I mean I love Finn and he’s a great friend but he’s not the most romantically inclined man on the planet”

He wasn’t wrong.

“Besides, you’re my friend and you seem conflicted or something so I would like to help if I can”

I think for a moment, he wasn’t wrong entirely, Finn was great but I could use another perspective and all the friendly love I could get at the moment so I took a deep breath, chocked down the hot tea I had ordered and spilt the details.


	4. Breadsticks and Phone Numbers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love that you guys are loving this!

“That is the most shocking sweatshirt I have ever seen, I mean really? did nobody give him the memo that dotted polo necks where never in season?”

“Kurt, do you think about anything else besides what people are wearing?” Mercedes asks, throwing a straw at him.

The weekend seemed to be dragging in for me so I did what I know best and called my friends and sure enough, they came to my rescue, joining me for dinner at breadsticks.

“Hm, I mean sometimes I think about Blaine”

“Some times?!” Blaine jumps in.

“I’m kidding” Kurt bats his eyes and quickly pecks his boyfriend on the cheek which seems to soothe over the issue pretty quickly.

“So Rachel” I hear Mercedes address me and I pick my head up from my plate.

“Hm?

“The song you sang, in glee club”

_christ_

“I couldn’t help but wonder if it was about something….or someone”

“Ok we are not talking about this”

“Oh come one, you dragged us all out so clearly you were struggling on your own at home about something”

“I was not alone, my dads kept me company…for a while” I lie. Truth be told I had spent Friday evening and Saturday morning in my room, shaking at the memory of what I had said to

Quinn after her rendition of popularity and seduction.

“Rach” 

“Ugh, fine! my time alone time was sucky”

“Ah-ha! knew it, tell us what’s going on”

“There’s nothing _going on_ ”

“You wish there was?” Kurt quirks his eyebrows at me.

I actually wasn’t quite sure of the answer to that, sure I had feelings, of the mushy sort but I wasn’t so sure I wanted to do anything about them. I mean as far as I could see, Quinn hated me so I wasn’t in any shape or form going to try and throw my romantic wits at her, God knows they would be thrown back in my face but after watching her sing about how her popularity was what she lived for I couldn’t help but wonder if she was a little lost, maybe always had been and if maybe all she needed was a friend, a friend to remind her who she really is.

“No Kurt, I don’t”

“So you’re telling me that you spend all day thinking about this person, sit in your room heartbroken and sing songs about loving someone too much and yet you want nothing to happen between the two of you”

_yes….no….yes….ugh!_

“It was just a stupid slip during the summer and it’s over and besides she’s wants nothing to with me”

“Well at least we know it’s a she” Mercedes smirks. As though there weren’t rainbows plastered to everything I own, next to my gold stars that is.

Just as Kurt is about to butt in the waitress comes over to collect our plates, interrupting us at what I felt was the perfect moment.

“Thank you” 

“It’s my pleasure,” She says with a smile and looks at me directly in the eyes for what seemed like a very long time. The table is silent again for a moment as she walks away with our plates and I notice everyone staring at me.

“What?”

“Seriously?”

“what?”

“Are you saying you haven’t noticed the eyes she has been giving you since we got here?”

_it was possible but I was somewhat trying to ignore it._

I just shrug.

“Yeah Rachel, she’s not being very subtle about it,” Blaine says with a small chuckle.

“You should ask her out! it’s the perfect way to get over this summer romance” Mercedes pokes min the shoulder.

“Absolutely not, in case any of you haven’t noticed, I am preposterous at dating and not to mention I am the towns pain in the ass” 

“Rachel you h-“ 

“Do you guys want dessert?” 

_This girl has impeccable timing honestly._

“Oh we’re good thanks, we were just about to leave but Uhm, Rachel here will pay right Rach?” Mercedes pushes me out of the booth. I look at her wide-eyed, I knew what she was doing and I shake my head at her but she just pushes me further.

“Ok great well just follow me then!” The waitress turns on her heels and I watch my friends pile out of the restaurant and Mercedes throws a wink in my direction. I huff and follow the waitress. She was pretty, I guess, as pretty as Quinn? I’m not sure anyone was.

_Oh, Jesus Rachel pull your shit together._

“Ok so that’s sixty-five dollars and thirty-two cents,” She says happily tapping away at her screen. I rustle around my bag and dig out the cash and hand it to her and she gives me a sweet smile.

She prints a receipt and quickly scribbles on the back before folding it up and handing it to me.

“Thank you!”

“Sure thing, Bye Rachel,” She says as I turn to leave and I look back to see her shoot me another smile. I push through the exit and make my way over to my friends and unfold the receipt to find the waitress’ number written on the back.

“Oh.my.god. you should call her!” Kurt jumps on the spot and grabs the receipt from my hand examining it, I whip it back quickly before he gets any ideas and shove it in my pocket.

“I don’t think so” I shake my head.

“Awh but she seems so sweet,” Blaine says with a pout on his lips.

“Cmon Rachel. you said it yourself, this other girl doesn’t even want to speak to you, don’t let something like that stop you from being with someone who quite clearly _does_ want to get to know you and besides, it doesn’t have to be serious” Mercedes says with her two sidekicks nodding along. 

“Look whatever you decide to do, your decision should be based on you, not somebody else, anyway, I gotta go, cmon lover boys, you’re my ride” Mercedes clicks at Kurt and Blaine and they follow her to the parking lot waving at me.

I start making my way home, it was bright out still and I wasn’t too far from home so I figured a walk would be a good way to clear my head. I take the receipt out of my pocket and read over it again.

_“Maybe I could take you out rather than taking your order next time? - Maeve”_

Maybe Mercedes was right, maybe I could go out with this girl just as a ‘get to know you’ sort of thing, but then again, what if she gets to know me and finds I’m as annoying as everyone says, though I’m pretty sure at this point everyone in this small town knew who I was so maybe she already knows and doesn’t care. Even still, it could be a good way to get over Quinn, or at least take a shot at moving on, though I did promise myself I wasn’t going to let love get in the way of my progress this year, not that it was going very well so far. 

_UGH! this was infuriatingly confusing_

_Ok bite the bullet_

I take out my phone and punch in the number, I wasn’t so good at phone calls especially with people I didn’t even know before an hour ago so I settled on sending a text, maybe that way I could suppress the incessant amount of talking I do.

_“Maeve, Hi this is Rachel, the girl from the restaurant? anyway, I was wondering if-“_

_Mother fucker! what the hell was that?!_

My phone drops to the ground as my head collides with something hard.

“Jesus watch where you’re going Berry!” I lift my head up quickly, which was probably a bad idea considering I was most likely concussed.

_Oh dear god. That knock to the head must have sent me into an alternate universe._

“Quinn?”

“No Oprah” She rolls her eyes and looks back to me. ice. 

_Nope, this was reality._

“God I’m sorry I wasn’t looking” I say, quickly picking up my phone noticing a small crack in the screen.

“Clearly”

“What’re….uhm.. err…what’re you doing here?” I ask, trying to shake off the shock.

_Jesus why am I so nervous._

_“_ I live here?” She says and I let out a laugh.

“No…uhm, I mean how come you’re out walking on your own?”I ask and she shuffles a little uncomfortably.

“I just needed to clear my head”

“Something wrong?” I ask and her eyes dart to mine as though she’s surprised I care enough to ask. She doesn’t answer me, just puts her hands in her pockets and looks down at my hands.

“That why you weren’t watching where you were going?” She asks nodding to the receipt in my hand.

_shit. Lie!….no don’t lie…what do I say?….oh my god say something! anything!_

“Uhm, yes?”

“You don’t sound sure,” She says with a quirk of her eyebrow.

“Uh, yeah it is..I guess I was trying too hard to decide what to say” I laugh nervously, shoving the items back in my pocket. It goes silent between us again and she keeps her eyes on anything but mine and it’s then that I notice the sad look on her face, almost as if she’d been crying but I knew better than to push her.

“look, I know you hate me right now and that-“

“Hate’s a strong word,”She says softly, eyes still not meeting mine.

“Uhm Well, you seem down and I would hate to think of anyone alone while they’re sad so, do you think maybe I could walk with you? I was just on my way home so you’d be helping me out too” I ask twisting my hands together.

_Was I talking fast? I feel like I was, was it too fast? god, what is happening?!_

“Fine, but only because I feel bad for cracking your phone,” She says dryly but I took it as a solid yes and turned on my heels so I was by her side and let her lead my down the road.


	5. Dreamers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would recommend listening to :
> 
> Neverland - Zendaya  
> True Colours - Justin Timberlake 
> 
> Just to grasp the real experiences as they happen!

I grew up, very much aware that I was different to everyone else around me, in so many ways I was different, I knew I was meant for something bigger and sometimes to become something bigger, you have to stand out from the crowd so that meant that whatever trouble I got in to for being different I had to take on the chin and keep my head up because you cannot get through the things I have without having some sort of a backbone, don’t get me wrong, it falters sometimes and I get hurt and I can’t tell you the number of times I have gone home to my dads and cried about the horrible thing someone had done or said to me but I always found a way to pick myself up. To me, being different is a kind of strength that is rare to find these days, most of my generation live to fill the gap between them and society, they don’t want to fill the gap that may be in their hearts, put there by the absence of originality or genuineness.

When I first started at this school, I was pretty sure that I would spend most of my time alone because growing up I never really had someone that I would call a friend, my best friend was the Barbra Streisand poster on my wall and she would only talk when I was dreaming, never in the daylight, though she did have a lot of advice to give in those dreams. People used to tell me that my head was too far stuck in the clouds, which I never thought was a problem, I still don’t and maybe it is a bit crazy but crazy doesn’t always mean wrong.

There was one person though, who never told me it was crazy, who never said that I lived on a fluffy cloud of naivety and on the rare occasion that she spoke to me, I felt as though I wasn’t being judged, or at least my love for the dreamland wasn’t being judged.

********* Flashback**********

_“Y’know what, Rachel, you’re not going to get yourself anywhere with your head stuck in the clouds!” Santana shouted at me, flicked her hair to the side and walked off. I dropped my head and turned into the one room in the building where I felt safe. I sat at the piano, threw my head in my hands and did my best to suck in the tears that were teetering on the brims of my eyes. I heard a cough and looked up to find Quinn sitting in the back row of seats, a book in hand._

_She closes her book and makes her way over to me slowly._

_“Bad day?” She asks, sitting next to me at the piano._

_“I’m sick of people telling me that my dreams are too big or that I live in a place that doesn’t exist” I complain and she puts her hand on the small of my back._

_“Neverland” She almost whispers and I watch her, waiting for her to elaborate._

_“Peter pan is my favourite book, not because of tinker bell or the weird love story between Peter and Wendy, but because everyone in the story everyone is free to believe whatever they want, they live in a world that’s made up of imagination and dreams” She speaks to softly I almost don’t hear what she says and a small smile creeps on to my lips._

_“Neverland” I answer, understanding what she meant._

_“Exactly, your dreams are exactly that, they’re yours and nobody else’s and if they’re big dreams well then I guess you’re going to live a big life in the future” Her hand leaves my back and I find myself missing the contact._

_“Anyone who says they’re too big it just means that they can’t dream that way, or maybe that they don’t have any” She looks at me with a smile and I get lost in them._

_I had known Quinn for a year and in all that time I had never seen her like this, never seen her quite so herself, to me she was just the pretty blonde cheerleader, which is the wrong way to judge somebody. This was a side to her I had never experienced and I found my heart beginning to beat a little faster than usual._

_“I guess that’s why you like to read? because you can dream a little through them?” I ask her and she looks away from me._

_“I guess, but mostly, I like to live through someone else’s dreams, it’s comforting to listen to someone else’s tale of how they became to be who they are and when you can’t find your own passions, you can always listen to someone else’s” She looks back to me, eyes so sincere that I’m sure I’d believe anything she said at that moment._

_“Thank you, Quinn” I saying she smiles at me ever so gently._

_“Yeah, sure”_

_“Y’know, I always thought you were just a cheerleader who only cared about boys and popularity but I guess I was wrong”_

_“Yeah well, people surprise you, but if you ever tell anyone I was this nice to you I will come for you,” She says with a smirk on her lips which I noticed were quite beautiful._

_“I wouldn’t dare, and I’m sorry, for judging you like that”_

_“Don’t be, you’re not the only one and it’s not like I’ve given you a reason not to” She says as she begins to play away with the keys on the piano._

_“Maybe, but now you have and I’m glad,” I say and she just nods at me._

_“Feel like a song?” She plays away with the piano._

_“Always!” I nearly jump off the seat with joy and straighten up, ready to belt out whatever song was coming. Quinn looks over to me with those hazel eyes and my palms begin to sweat._

_I watched her as she began to play, her eyes watching the keys, concentrating ever so seriously on the tune she was playing, her copy of ‘To Kill A Mockingbird’ abandoned on the top of the piano. It was then that I really saw her for the first time, in the purity of who she was, genuine, caring and deeper than she ever showed. It was that moment that I realised that my heart beats a little faster every time she locks eyes with me._

_I listen to the tune that takes over the room, take a breath and let our voices come together._

_Whenever I was frightened or ever felt alone_

_I turned to the night sky at a star I call my own_

_Somewhere I could run to, just across the Milky Way_

_If you like, I could take you_

_It's just a lightyear and a day_

_We can sail away tonight on a sea of pure moonlight_

_We can navigate the stars to bring us back home_

_In a place so far away_

_We'll be young, that's how we'll stay_

_Every wish is our command_

_When we find ourselves in Never, Neverland_

_Through all my make-believe, there's some reality_

_In your reflection, there's much more than you see, yeah!_

_All that you hope for, you hope for today_

_It's the love someone gives you in an unconditional way_

_We can sail away tonight on a sea of pure moonlight_

_We can navigate the stars to bring us back home_

_In a place so far away_

_We'll be young, that's how we'll stay_

_Every wish is our command_

_When we find ourselves in Never, Neverland_

_Picture a land you'll never have seen_

_Where life is eternal and evergreen_

_Future of happiness all in your hands_

_All in this place I created that I call Neverland_

_We can sail away tonight on a sea of pure moonlight_

_We can navigate the stars to bring us back home_

_In a place so far away_

_We'll be young, that's how we'll stay_

_And with your hand in my hand_

_I am closer now to finding Neverland_

_And with your hand in my hand_

_I am closer now to finding Neverland_

_*************_

I shake my head, coming out from the memory, a memory from so long ago that I’m not sure how it’s still there in the back of my mind and yet not surprised because you never forget the moment someone completely changes in your eyes and from that moment on, I saw Quinn in a way that I didn’t know was possible. I’m pretty sure she forget it a few weeks later and went back to being who she was to the rest of the world but I always knew, I always held on to the fact that I saw the real her, behind the uniform. She showed me who she was and I was damned if I was going to sit back and watch her forget that person.

“Ok, there is no way I am dancing like that” Santana’s voice brings me back to reality. Remembering that we were in the choir room trying to come up with a dance routine for sectionals.

“Yeah, no offence Mr Schue but surely we can let Mike and Brittany come up with something” Sam agrees. I watch Quinn, standing with her arms around Puck's shoulders no doubt trying to play a game with him.

_This is ridiculous_

_“_ Mr Schue!” I shout above the noise.

“Yes, Rachel?”

“It’s very clear to me that this moment right now is a disaster and not going anywhere so I was wondering if I could say something?”

"I’d rather learn this crappy dance actually”

“Santana!… What is it, Rachel?” Mr Schue asks and nods for everyone to take their seats, Quinn taking her place at the back.

“Well, I know we’ve all performed our songs for last weeks assignment and although they were great, I feel some of us got lost in our true selves, myself included for a moment and I was hoping I could remind you what it means to be yourself”

“By all means!” Mr Schue answers. I nod to Puck and he picks up his guitar and begins to play.

You with the sad eyes

Don't be discouraged, oh I realise

It's hard to take courage

In a world full of people

You can lose sight of it all

The darkness inside you

Can make you feel so small

_I let my eyes fall on Quinns and I can see she’s watching me intently, listening to the words with a face that seems to be conflicted._

Show me a smile then

Don't be unhappy

Can't remember when

I last saw you laughing

This world makes you crazy

And you've taken all you can bear

Just call me up

'Cause I will always be there

And I see your true colours

Shining through

I see your true colours

And that's why I love you

So don't be afraid to let them show

Your true colours

True colours are beautiful

I see your true colours

Shining through (true colours)

I see your true colours

And that's why I love you

So don't be afraid to let them show

Your true colours

True colours are beautiful (they're beautiful)

Like a rainbow

_I keep my eyes on the hazel ones that are staring right at me. I wanted her to really hear what I was saying. I wanted to bring out the Quinn that loved Peter Pan and reminded me that being myself is the best way to be._

Oh oh oh oh oh like a rainbow

Ooh can't remember when

I last saw you laughing

Ooh oh oh oh

This world makes you crazy

And you've taken all you can bear

Just call me up

'Cause I will always be there

And I see your true colours

Shining through

I see your true colours

And that's why I love you

So don't be afraid (don't be afraid)

To let them show your true colours

True colours are beautiful (you're beautiful, oh)

Like a rainbow

Oh oh oh oh oh like a rainbow

Mmm mmm

Puck strums the last note leaving the room in complete silence and I can see the smiles on everyone's faces, all but Quinns.

_oh shit_

“A beautiful way to close off today Rachel thank you,” Mr Schue says and I watch as everyone packs the bags and walks out.

“Quinn?” I call her name as she rushes past me but she keeps walking.

“Quinn!” I call her again and she stops in the hallway and turns back towards me. Her eyes are dark as she makes her way to me.

“Y’know Rachel, you may think you know me but you don’t,” She says through gritted teeth.

“Yes I do, believe me, or not Quinn I do know you and I want you to remember who that person is, the person who let me walk her home on Saturday because she needed some company”

“Oh Jesus, you think because I let you walk beside me that you have the right to tell me who I am, in front of everyone?!”

“Well no but I-“

“I only let you in on Saturday because I was lonely and nobody else was around, I was desperate, not because I wanted to…god you really do live on another planet” She raises her voice and I take a step back, listening to the sound of my heart cracking.

“ Quinn you and I-“

“You and I nothing Rachel, we are not friends, we aren’t even acquaintances……just…..just leave me alone in future ok?” She turns on her heels so quick I swear I saw smoke and bursts out of the building, leaving me behind trying to catch the tears that were about to fall.

“C’mon, let’s go get ice-cream” I hear Finn speak as his wraps an arm around my shoulder and guides me out.

I knew what I had done to make Quinn afraid to be near me, I understood why she was hesitant and I knew that she was avoiding me but I never for one moment thought that she resented me in the way that she had just displayed and that was more terrifying than the idea of laryngitis.

_Ok maybe not worse but certainly the same._


	6. Conventionally Beautiful

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to say again, I love that you guys are loving this! x

“Kurt! Thank god you’re here!” Finn says pulling Kurt into my bedroom which was a jungle of used tissues and empty cartons of ice-cream. Try as he might, Finn wasn’t able to stop me from breaking, I was curled up on my bed and hugging a pink bear my dads had won for me at a town fair, with tears trickling gently across my nose and onto the pillow beneath me. 

She was right, everything she said was right, I had no business doing what I did, prying into her personal feelings like that, but I just thought we were at least friends or that I could do for her what she did for me so many times when I felt I didn’t know who I was or was struggling to see past the criticism but I was wrong to think that and I pushed her too far without really knowing or at least considering if it was right or wrong, I didn’t blame her for yelling or for asking me to stay away, I was overbearing and I knew that.

“Hey Rach,” Kurt says ever so softly sitting on the bed next to me. I don’t answer him because I’m not sure I can speak.

“What Happened?” He directs his question at Finn.

“She sort of had a run-in with this girl..”

“The girl from the summer?” 

“Yeah…I’ve been telling her for weeks to either speak to her or get over her, I mean that’s what Rachel does best right? picks herself up and gets on with things?”

“I would agree with Finn here Rachel, I mean what about that girl from breadsticks?” Kurt asks putting a hand on my arm and rubbing it gently but I just ignore the question.

“What girl?”

“Oh the waitress and breadsticks gave Rachel her number and asked her out”

“Well, that would be perfect!” Finn says but I just shake my head, the idea of dating someone and letting them see how overbearing and annoying I was or even the idea of it being someone that wasn’t Quinn, regardless of whether that was doomed or not was absolutely non-negotiable. There’s a moment of silence before Kurt jumps on the spot.

“Ok, you know what? we’re going to switch things up” 

“What do you mean?” Finn asks.

“Rachel may be good at picking herself up and moving on but I think what we need to do right now is embrace it” 

“Embrace what?”

“The pain! Y’know some of the best performers use their tragic pasts or broken hearts to fuel themselves on stage, they embrace their pain for what it is and use it to become something bigger! so that’s what we’re doing!” Kurt explains frantically tidying up the mess that has accumulated on my bed. I sit up finally on my bed, still clutching my bear and watching him curiously. He grabs a new box of tissues and drops them beside me before plopping himself down crossed legged in front of me, He taps the space beside him and Finn joins him.

“Ok Rachel, I know you might not want to but you’re going to do this”

“Do what exactly?” I ask from behind my bear.

“I want you to tell me about her,” He says matter of factly and I shuffle up further to make myself more comfortable.

“I want to know everything, what she looks like, what her interests are and why you like her so much that you’re sitting here curled up like a child crying”

“Uhm ok?” I say and grab a tissue from the box readying myself.

“I don’t fully understand why we’re doing this” Finn says looking between the two of us.

“Because Finn, sometimes the best way to get over something is to go through it, maybe if Rachel gets it all off her chest then she can really move on” Kurt explains and Finn nods along.

“Wait, don’t you already know the story?” Finn asks Kurt.

“I know the bare minimum of what happened but it doesn’t explain this mess” Kurt answered signalling toward me and my fluffy bunny pyjamas.

“Ok spill,” Kurt says to me and I take a deep breath.

“Well, what do you want to know?” I ask, not knowing where to start.

_This is going to be a disaster_

“Hm, What does she look like?”

“Well…..she’s…she’s beautiful..I-I mean she has these eyes, they’re not green or brown, they’reuhm…they’re hazel I guess, and when you look at them you get a little lost, they don’t give much away, I mean she doesn’t let her emotions out through them but they’re so soft which makes her so intriguing, you want to know what she’s thinking or feeling. She’s conventionally beautiful, blonde hair, great b-body and her smile is-is earth-shattering but she’s also beautiful in another way that she doesn’t show many people, I mean she’s probably the most beautiful girl I’ve ever met” I feel my cheeks flush a little as Kurt watches me with a small grin on his face.

“What about her, what’s she like?” Finn asks, he already knows the answer but I answer him anyway.

“She’s…different”

“Different how?”

“Uhm…well she’s…she’s two people I guess, she has this persona that she walks around with, hard, icy and flippant, I think it’s maybe so she doesn’t get hurt or something, but then when she’s alone with you, she’s someone else, she’s herself I feel, she’s calm, soft, gentle even, caring and she..uhm..she loves books I mean _loves_ them, every time I see her she has a new one, sometimes she reads the same one over and over again and she’s smart, funny and she makes you feel safe or cared for, but she doesn’t let many people see that side of her”

_Is this helping? it feels ok._

“Have you? seen that side?”

“Only twice”

“But she let you see it?” Finn asks and I nod.

“Wow, you’ve really paid attention to her huh?” Kurt says and I just shrug, I guess I paid more attention than I realised.

_I really need to get my head together_

“And have you spoken since the summer?”

“Sort of, I mean she ignored me for a couple of days and then today, I did something stupid and I know I shouldn’t have but I wanted to help but I messed up and now she h-h-hates me,” I say and the tears start falling again.

“What did you do that was so bad?”

“I sang a song, to her or for her even and she..Uhm she”

“Took it the wrong way?” Finn finished for me and I nod.

“What was the song?” Kurt asks and I hesitate for a moment, do I really want to divulge this information?

“T-true Colours”

“But you sang that in glee club,” He says and I nod, he sits for a moment staring into space and I watch as realisation dawns on his face.

“Oh my god, Quinn Fabray!” He almost jumps in the air and the tears keep coming as I remember her smile.

“What?! how could you possibly have guessed that?!” Finn questions him.

“Blonde her? icy? and she was the only one in glee club this week who sang something so bizarre about who she is, bizarre enough to warrant a song about being yourself, and we both know it’s not Brittany, it’s not rocket science Hudson” Kurt says as though it’s obvious and Finn gives him a look as if it’s not possible to have reached a conclusion based on those facts alone.

“This is insane! ….so Quinn is who you…had…she’s your summer flame?”

“Ew, could you not call it that?” I ask, cringing at the term.

“Call it whatever you want, at least I know you have taste,” He says and the three of us fall silent again and I finally put my bear down beside me, no longer feeling the need to be shielded.

“I can’t see her being an avid reader” Kurts cuts the silence.

“Do you know her favourite book?” Finn asks 

“As if she-“

“Peter Pan” I cut Kurt off with my answer and both boys stare at me dumbfounded by the information.

“Oh honey, you’ve got it bad,” Kurt says with a hand to his chest.

“Got what?” I ask, hoping he’s not implying what I think he is.

“Rachel, you love her,” Finn says softly.

“No I don’t, that ridiculous”

_maybe I do, but there’s no way I am admitting that!_

_“_ Deny it all you want but from where we’re standing, it’s pretty obvious

_no, it is not!……….ok maybe it is…….but it is not!_

“So, what are we going to do about it?” Kurt claps his hands together.

“Ehm, absolutely nothing” I answer him quickly.

“What? why not?!”

“Because, Quinn made it very clear that she wants me to leave her alone and besides even if she could stand my company, right now I think she needs a friend, not a needy, overbearing girl chasing her around”

“You’re not overbearing”

“Oh please Finn, let’s be honest here ok, I’m aware that I have been wired to be excited and energetic and entirely too open and honest and for me that’s ok, but for everyone else it’s uncomfortable and I am fine with that,” I say wiping the last of my tears from my cheeks and tying my hair up.

“So, what does that mean then?”

“Well, nothing, I’ll do as she asked and I’ll leave her alone”

“And maybe text the girl from breadsticks?”

“We can stop calling her that, her name is Maeve but yes maybe text her” I admit shyly and Kurt smiles at me as though he has just seen a tiny puppy.

_oh dear god_


	7. Gold Star

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know! it's been a hot minute but I will tell you that my little doggy passed away last week so I have been healing that wound!
> 
> But I am back at it! so please enjoy! x

_********* Flashback*********_

_“OK Rachel, it’s your turn!” Blaine shouts at me over the music that was blaring through the house, in my opinion, it was somewhat distasteful house music that I didn’t care for much but the more I drank the less I could hear. I took a ball from Kurt's hand and lined it up, closing one eye, trying to lock my aim at one of the red cups on the other end of the table. I throw the ball and it goes flying off to the left, I figure the alcohol was impeding my hand-eye co-ordination. Kurt smacks me across the arm as Finn and Blaine laugh at my inability to even hit the table._

_“What is your problem Berry?! Focus!” He shouts and normally I would pull myself together but I just laughed instead, I don’t think I could do anything else._

_“OK, clearly I suck at this game! can’t you ask Mercedes, or Sam, surely they’d be better at this?”_

_“No, c’mon we can do this,” He says handing me another ball waiting on Finn to take his shot._

_Twenty minutes later and I had only managed to sink one ball and poor Kurt had downed so many drinks I was afraid he was going to puke it back up any moment. we had one cup left on our side and I wasn’t about to drink any more than I had._

_“Ok, you know what, humblesurrender!” I shout, putting my ball down and throwing my hands in the air._

_“No way! you can’t just run away right before the end!” Blaine protests._

_“Ah but I can and that’s what I’m about to do because every good Diva knows when it’s time to hang up her costume and walk away!”_

_“Besides, I have to pee,” I say quickly before running away from the table leaving a deflated Finn behind. I make my way through the crowd of people and upstairs to the bathroom. I push my body against the stiff door and stumble into the room and see hazel eyes staring at me through the mirror. My breath hitched in my throat._

_“Berry,” She says with a smirk._

_“Quinn…..not drawing more pictures of me on the walls are you?” I ask with a shaky breath. Her smirk grows into a mysterious grin and she turns ever so slowly to face me and my palms begin to sweat. Even with her makeup falling and the dishevelled look of her hair, no doubt from roughly kissing some footballer, she still managed to look beautiful._

_“Not tonight, unfortunately,” She says and I simply nod in reply._

_“Y’know,” She says, taking a step towards me, close enough that I can smell the alcohol on her breath and see the smudged lipstick on her lips. I don’t answer her, I stay rooted to my spot and silent, trying to relax the beating in my chest and the feeling of my knees buckling beneath me._

_“You never asked why I drew those pictures”_

_“Well. it was pretty obvious you were trying to humiliate me” I say simply. She takes another step towards me, her chest ever so slightly brushing against mine and I resist the urge to stumble backwards. I wasn’t sure if it was the alcohol or my drumming chest but it was all of a sudden very warm. She says nothing for a moment and just stares at me._

_“You should ask me”_

_“Huh?”_

_“Ask me why,” She says, her body desperately close to my own if I move back I’ll hit the wall, or faint._

_“Uhm…..uh…..ok……w-why did you draw those pictures?” I ask, my voice shaking. Her eyes flick across my face, a grin grows on her lips as she pushes me against the wall._

_*************_

“Rach…..Rachel!” Finn snaps his fingers in front of my face snapping me from my daze.

“Huh? what?” 

“Jeez, where were you just now?”

“Oh nowhere, sorry, were you saying something?” 

“No, but the bell did ring for the end of class” He chuckles.

“Oh!” I jump and throw my books into my bag and head out. I had done exactly what Kurt had suggested and set a date up with Maeve so I didn’t want to be late. Rachel Berry is never late for anything. 

“So where is she taking you?” Finn asks catching up with me.

“I’m actually taking her out”

“Well…where to?”

“Well I don’t know what she likes movies wise so that wasn’t an option and I’m not sure what food she eats so I didn’t want to plan a meal so I went with a carnival, I figured everyone loves a carnival and if we get hungry, there are food trucks, besides, I hate small talk over dinner in a quiet restaurant, there’s no excitement in that”

“Damn, you really plan hard”

“Not really, I just don’t date like all the boys in this school who think breadsticks is romantic….no offence”

“None taken, just maybe don’t tell her that you think breadsticks is dull”

“Good point, do you think it’s a good idea or-“

“Rachel?” we’re stopped in our tracks by a red cheerleader outfit and my heart drops.

“Crap, you scared me!” I gasp.

“I’m sorry, can I borrow you for a minute?” She asks and I look up at Finn who doesn’t respond. she stands in front of me, her arms wrapped around her books tightly looking at me with nervous eyes, tapping her fingers lightly on her books.

“Sure” I sigh.

_What?! Why did I say that?!_

“Finn, can you wait for me outside?” I ask Finn and he looks back at me concerned.

“You sure?” 

“Yeah, I won’t be long,” I say and he looks between Quinn and I and eventually nods.

“Hm, ok but don’t forget, you’re on a schedule,” He says and I see Quinn look at him questioningly.

“Two minutes,” I say and Quinn nods, opening the door to my English classroom. I shut the door behind me and she turns towards me, still clinging to her books as though they were a shield between us.

“What did Finn mean? about you being on a schedule?” She asks a little nervous and my frustration with her melts.

_God even when I’m angry at her I still can’t stop my heart from beating the way it does when she’s around._

“Oh…uhm I have a date later and you know, I don’t like to be late for anything” I answer and she shifts uncomfortably, her head dropping momentarily and I could swear she looked disappointed for a split second.

_That’s insane, I’m clearly dreaming._

“ Oh, well I won’t keep you then…I just…” 

“What is it?” I ask and she looks back up at me and drops her shoulders from their tense state.

“I just wanted to apologise, for how I spoke to you the other day,” She says so softly I barely catch it. 

“Oh”

“I….uhm….I know that you were just trying to help and I shouldn’t have reacted like I did, it wasn’t fair” She says with a little more confidence and I nod in reply.

“It’s just that I’m not used to people caring too much about me or who I am and I guess ever since we….....well I just thought you were trying to force something out of me” She drops her gaze again.

“Quinn, I would never ask you to do anything you don’t want but I just wanted you to accept that who you are is ok and that people would love the real you”

“I don’t know who that is”

“Sure you do and I do too, the little of it you have shown to me and it didn’t make me think any less of you in fact, it made me like you even more….I mean..uh, like- uhh not like but uh-“

“It’s ok, I know what you mean” She cuts off my stuttering with a small smile. Her eyes catch mine and for just a moment we’re stuck in that position, an expression on her face that I can’t quite read but it’s one that feels as though she’s trying to tell me something.

“Anyway, I just wanted to say I’m sorry,” She says breaking our gaze.

“Thank you”

“Sure,” she says making her way to the door.

“Enjoy your date,” She says before walking out leaving me a little stunned.

I make my way out to Finn who is sitting on the bumper of his car, he jumps down when he sees me.

“Everything ok?” He asks.

“All good, now can you take me home because I’m three minutes from being late”

“Rachel Berry is never late!” He shouts and jumps in the car to start the engine.

*********

“I may actually be sick!” I grunt stepping out of the teacups. Maeve laughs lightly and helps me as I drag myself away from the hideous contraption.

“You can’t be serious?! They’re teacups!” She hands me a bottle of water and sits me down on a nearby bench.

“I prefer the term ‘death traps’…Carnival rides are my enemy” I say taking a swig of water as Maeve laughs again, a sound that I have begun to enjoy during the course of the night. We had been here for a little over two hours and I had to admit, it was pretty amazing, she was extremely funny, clever and interesting.

“This was your idea!”

“Yeah I didn’t really think of that, besides, apart from the possible injuries, they’re a great place for having fun and talking at the same time also I don’t know what movies you like so I figured this was a better option”

“Well I am having a great time so you’re theory may be correct,” She says with a soft smile, something else I had grown to like.

“For the record, I like Disney movies or any musical ever,” She says and my heart jumps at the sound of musicals.

“But I was just glad you asked me out so I would have gone anywhere,” She says and a blush creeps across my face.

“I’m glad I asked you too” A silence falls between us for a moment before she jumps up.

“Hungry?” She asks, putting her hand out for me to take.

“Starving” I laugh and grab her hand letting her guide me to a food stall. I make her sit at a table while I grab our snacks and bring them back.

“So, a cliché question for you,” She says as I put her basket of fries in front of her.

“Go for it” 

“When did you come out?” She asks popping one in her mouth

“Oh, Uhm, my first year of high school, sort of by accident”

“How do you come out by accident?” Maeve quirks her eyebrow at me.

“A girl in my Spanish class had asked me to hang out and I mistakenly thought she meant a date and I guess she got offended and told pretty much everyone” 

“Oh jeez, that sucks”

“It wasn’t too bad actually, saved me having to sit people down and have an awkward conversation” I shrug.

“What about your parents?” 

“Oh my dads are gay so that was pretty easy”

“Two dads? that must have been a dream"

“Something like that, but what about you?” I ask and she brushes off her hands with a napkin.

“Oh, I came out two years ago”

“How was it?”

“My friends were great, my parents weren’t the happiest, that’s why I work at that dive, I’m trying to make enough money to get out of my house”

“Maeve….that’s horrible, I’m so sorry”

“Ah it’s not too bad, my parents aren’t the devils and they love me but it’s still wildly uncomfortable”

“Do you think they’ll come around?” I ask and she thinks for a moment.

“I’m not sure, but either way, I need to live somewhere I can actually have a girl over for dinner without my parents leaving a bible in my room when she’s gone”

“Did they really do that?”

“No” She laughs a little.

_What a sweet sound_

“But my mother did hang prayer beads on my door,” She says and I can’t help the laugh that leaves my lips.

“Sorry! that’s not funny”

“No, it definitely is,” She says and throws at fry at my head.

“HEY!” I shout and she laughs at me.

“C’mon gold star, let’s go catch some rubber ducks,” She says throwing her food in the trash and dragging me away from the bench.


	8. Deja Vu

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If anyone wants to know, the song in this chapter is:
> 
> Nervous - Gavin James

I always thought, that falling in love would be simple, something not far off the way they showed it in the movies. I wondered if it really was as intense as two actors made it seem on stage or on screen. The first musical I fell in love with was Funny Girl, I watched Fanny Brice tell the story of how she fell in love with Nicky Arnstein, not the most smooth story I’ve ever seen but it did set the foundations for what I believed love really was, a flame held by two people that would never let go, that when you meet the one who is going to be yours forever, you would both feel it and those emotions would take over. 

Contrary to that, however, I have found love to be something a little trickier than that, actually a lot trickier, especially when the person you have fallen for either has no idea or knows everything and is so repulsed by the idea of loving you that they chose to ignore you and act as though you’re barely even there. I’ve always had a naive part of me that showed when it came to making friends or meeting new people, I took people at face value and never wondered if they could ever hurt me, that was until I stepped foot into elementary school and the first thing someone did was throw a spider at me after I told them in passing that I hated them, I think I realised I was a terrible judge of character then, though that never stopped me from making the mistake countless times after that. I guess that’s how I’m in this position now, trying to force my sad broken heart to stop pining for a girl that is probably never going to see me as anything other than loud and annoying, having said that, there’s always something in the back of my mind that tells me that this is a little different, I’m not quite sure if it’s because I see two sides to her or if I’m wishfully thinking but I feel that somehow, I may not be completely wrong in this situation, now I’m not saying that I think Quinn loves me, I think I’ve resigned to the fact that she can’t or won’t but I do believe that she isn’t as cold as she shows and I somehow believe that we could actually be friends, as a last resort that is, because even if she never loves me back then I would be happy to have her in my life at any capacity.

My point is that love is not as simple as it may seem on television, it’s not the back and forth of Rachel and Ross or the star-crossed, earth-shattering experience like Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore in Ghost, though I will say that movie doesn’t quite meet my standards, however, love is messy, it’s uncertain and unkind, it’s a little more like Jack and Rose and somehow I’ve managed to be the one hanging off the edge of a raft there is more than enough room for me. 

“You could bust a brain cell with how hard you’re thinking” I jump at the sound of Kurt’s voice.

“Do you believe in soulmates?”

“No”

“Yes,” Kurt and Finn answer at the same time. Kurt looks to Finn confused as the footballer shoves a sandwich into his mouth.

“What?”

“How can you not believe in soulmates?” Kurt asks and receives a shrug in return.

“I don’t know, I’ve never thought about it really”

“You can’t say you don't believe it if you’ve never thought about it,” I say.

“Do you?” Finn asks me.

“Sure, I mean I think everyone has someone who will connect with them on a deeper level but I think it can be platonic as well as romantic”

“I agree, it just so happens that mine is romantic” Kurt gushes nudging Blaine by the shoulder.

“We can’t all be that lucky,” I say, pushing my food around my plate.

“Well, what about Maeve?”

“We’ve been out a couple of times and I like her she’s great but…she’s-“

“Not blonde and part of the celibacy club?” Kurt quips earning a slap on the arm from Blaine.

“No, that’s not it…well….I’m not quite sure actually”As I answer, a golden swish of hair catches my eye as Quinn glides past our table no doubt with Santana and Britney in tow.

I did believe in soul mates, I really did and yes I believed that it could be a friend or someone that you fall in love with but I wondered could your soulmate be someone who you love but doesn’t love you, could they be the person that you spend years loving regardless of the status of your relationship, someone that you are there for from time to time, someone you can see when they don’t even know it? or does a soulmate only mean one thing, a mutual understanding and admiration for each other that leads to greater things? Part of me hoped it was the latter because although Quinn doesn’t see me, or at least she didn't but I, in my own heart feel that she and I are connected on some other level, we’ve been there for each other at the most random of situations and can acknowledge the somewhat flawed or understated kinship between us but I know somewhere, there’s something more, maybe that makes me crazy, I guess it does sound crazy.

“Hmmm….I would agree with Kurt actually” I hear Blaine speak and tear my eyes away from the part of my soul that just sat at a table with a bunch of jocks.

“Do you think you should be dating someone when you’re clearly not interested?” Finn asks.

“First of all, Maeve and I have only gone on a couple of dates, nothing more, we’re not official and haven’t actually defined what we’re doing, besides, I’m doing this so I don’t lose all inhibitions when I do see…..her”

“You can’t even say her name Rach,” Kurt says softly.

“Y’know what….I gotta go actually, I’ve got a song to work on,” I say picking up my tray and walk out of the cafeteria. I make my way to the choir room quickly, trying to shake all the thoughts that were apparently enjoying a ride on a rollercoaster in my brain. I sit at the piano and play around with the keys for a moment until I find the tune I’m looking for.

_I promise that I'll hold you when it's cold out_

_When we loose our winter coats in the spring_

_'Cause lately I was thinking I never told you_

_That every time I see you my heart sings_

_'Cause we lived at the carnival in summer_

_We scared ourselves to death on a ghost train_

_And just like every Ferris wheel stops turning_

_Oh I guess we had an expiration date_

_So I won't say I love you, it's too late_

_'Cause every time I saw you I got nervous_

_Shivering and shaking at the knees_

_And just like every song I haven't heard yet no_

_I didn't know the words in front of me_

_In front of me, and oh_

_But I don't wanna know_

_Who'll take you home?_

_Who'll take you home?_

_Who'll take you home, home?_

_If I let you go_

_Now that you're on someone else's shoulders_

_The winter winds are colder on my own_

_Maybe we will meet when we get older_

_Maybe we won't_

_So I won't say I love you if you don't_

_And no you don't_

_So I won't say I love you if you don’t_

“Somebody break your heart?” I hear the gravelly voice from behind me and my heart leaps out of my chest in a flash. She smiles at me as she makes her way into the room.

“Not exactly” I answer, not meeting her gaze until she sits beside me.

_deja vu_

“Horrible date?” She asks, dropping her bag down beside her.

“Nothing of the sort, Maeve is great”

“Maeve?” She asks and I detect some strain in her voice.

“Yeah, she and I have been out a few times”

“You like her?” She asks and I pause for a moment, she tears her eyes away from mine and looks down at the keys under her fingertips.

“I do” I answer eventually and she nods and the silence fills the room again, she’s gently pressing keys along the piano filling the room with a faint sound of music, a sound that I recognise.

“Look, Quinn, I’m not quite sure what happened…between us, but what I do know is that I would like to be friends, I know you and I aren’t exactly a match on paper but I’ve never been someone to go along with the norm and I do know that from time to time we can enjoy each others company and maybe even be a helping hand, so if it’s ok with you I’d at least like that,” I say as soft as I can, not wanting to scare her away but she still doesn’t look up to meet my eyes.

“Friends?” She asks eventually, still playing away with the keys.

_what is that song?_

_“_ If that’s ok with you of course,” I say and she takes a deep breath before looking into my eyes, or my soul so it felt. 

“Does she know?”

“Excuse me?”

“Maeve, does she know?”

“Know what?”

_God, what is that song?!_

_“_ About our kiss,” She says and the sound comes crashing down on my ears like the crack of thunder, sending my mind into a spiral. She keeps playing that damn song that I can’t grasp causing an air of secrets and tension and I’m not sure which one of us it’s coming from but what I do know is that my heart feels as though it’s a one-man band on tour and Quinn is looking at me with both fear and confidence all at once. 

“It, it….it was just one kiss, besides we both had a bit to drink”

“Hm…I had only had one drink” She said as she finished playing, She picks up her bag and made her way to sit at the back of the room as everyone piled in for glee club. I sat glued to my seat for a moment unable to move and I could feel her staring at me from across the way and suddenly it hit me.

S _ecret Love Song._


	9. Chapter 9

Someone told me once that I needed to be better at keeping my feelings closer to my chest, because I show them too much or too easy or something along the lines of that, the idea that I was too obvious and honest about how I felt about pretty much anything or everything and although I knew that it was true, that I was entirely too transparent, I didn’t agree that it was a bad trait to have, or at least I shouldn’t change it anyway. I liked wearing my heart on my sleeve, mostly because I didn’t know how else to be but also because it meant that people never worried about what I thought or felt about them and honestly it’s quite freeing to be so open and honest about who you are and what you think or feel at any given moment, people never have to question you or wonder about the type of person you are because it’s right there, tattooed on my forehead for all to see, though I will admit it has led me to some heartbreak at times but that’s a small price to pay for being myself if you ask me. 

“So tell me,” Maeve says, handing me a tub of ice-cream, chocolate mint to be exact and anything else was an abomination.

“Shoot”

“Who, was the first girl you loved?” She asks and I immediately choke on my spoon and try to shake it off as a cough.

_ Smooth _

“What makes you think I’ve ever been in love?”

“A girl like you? so open and emotional? there’s no way you haven’t fallen for someone”

“I am not emotional!” I gasp, feigning shock. She quirks her eyebrow at me to let me know she doesn’t buy it.

“Ok fair enough” I surrender and earn a sweet laugh from her lips.

“So c’mon, tell me, who?” She nudges my arm and I play around with my ice-cream for a moment, not sure how to answer her. I mean, what am I supposed to say? that I’ve been pining over the same girl for god knows how long who doesn’t like me very much, or does she? who knows and that I only asked her on a date to get over said girl, can I say that? no, that's ridiculous. I could deny that I’m in love with Quinn but I have decided to accept the fact that I am not very good at being casual with my feelings and also I’m pretty sure that if you pass a certain amount of time having just a crush then it automatically qualifies as love.

“You don’t have to tell me,” Maeve says softly, pulling me from my panic.

“No, it’s ok, sorry I just got lost for a moment,” I think for a split second before taking a deep breath and answering this outrageous question.

“She was..is..uhm….part of my glee club, head cheerleader, out of my league, the usual” I answer with my head practically in my tub of ice cream. 

“I can’t imagine anyone being out of your league” Maeve winks and I laugh a little at the idea that somebody doesn’t think I’m ridiculously irritating and in any form ‘pretty’.

“Nice try” 

“So what happened?” Maeve asks after a moment and I’m not quite sure what to say because, in reality, nothing has really happened apart from our ‘incident’ over the summer but that was the beginning and the end of us I suppose.

“I fell in love with a girl who is on another level of life to myself and who I’m sure could never love me back so, that’s it”

“And now?” She asks but I shrug, now nothing, I mean, I could read into what happened in glee club during the week but I had driven myself mad that evening thinking about it so I was burned all out. What does it mean? The song? the things she said? it could mean that she feels even the smallest fraction of what I feel or it could mean that she knows how I feel and is playing games with me just to humiliate me. I didn’t know the answer, I didn’t ask any questions and certainly don’t plan to at this rate because that way I would be walking right into a possible trap and I was not about to make my life in school more of a struggle than it already was.

“Have I touched a nerve?” Maeve asks, bringing her hand to rest on the small of my back and I was filled with a sense of comfort.

“No, sorry, it’s just something I’m still dealing with” 

_ should I have said that? _

“Ah, I see”

“I’m sorry, I don’t quite know why I told you that, god that must seem awful to you, for me to be here on a date with you while I tell you about some girl that my stupid brain can’t let go of”

“Hey, it’s ok, I mean I get it honestly I do, I will admit that I’m a little jealous, even though you and I have only been out a few times, I quite like you Rachel but I do understand, love isn’t something that we can shake very easily so I’m not going to ask you to, I mean we’ve only met really and only been out a couple of times so it’s not my place”

“Still, I feel dirty” I mumble and she lets out an easy laugh.

“Well, for now, I can tell you that it’s ok, of course, if something else came of us then I would have to kick her ass but right now I’m going to move past it “

“Thank you, you’re too sweet,” I say and she bats her eyelashes at me bringing a smile to my face.

“Not as sweet as you,now if you would come with me” She holds her hand out to me and I link her fingers with my own as she leads me into the park.

“Where are we going?”

“Well Rachel Berry, I have a place I like to go here when I want to be alone and in the spirit of honesty, I have planned to kiss you tonight and would very like it to be there” She states matter of factly and I feel a warm blush fall on my cheeks.

**********

“Tell me”

“No”

“Tell me”

“No!”

“Rachel please”

“Nuhuh”

“Please”

“Finn Hudson if you don’t terminate your incessant questioning I swear to god I will bedazzle your helmet!” I slap him on the arm which receives a few weird looks from other students in the hallway.

“All I want to know is if the kiss was good?”

“And I told you that I don’t kiss and tell and also I am a lady who keeps relationship information to herself” I turn to my locker to open it.

“So it’s a relationship?” 

“Who’s in a relationship?” Mercedes pops up from behind Finn. I roll my eyes.

“Nobody!” I groan.

“Rachel got her first kiss” 

“Excuse me, she is not the first girl I have kissed and I am offended that you would assume so!” I gasp.

“Ooooh so are you guys dating now? is she your girlfriend?”

“Dear Barbara! it was just a kiss, she is not my girlfriend!”

“Who has a girlfriend?” I whip my head around to the sound of Quinn’s voice, she was out of her cheerleader uniform and in a petite yellow dress that solidified the idea that she was, in fact, an angel.

“Rachel does!” Mercedes answers and I choke on the air that gets caught in my throat. Quinn quirks her eyebrows at me waiting for an answer.

“Aha, no I do not”

“But she kissed you” Mercedes rebuttals.

“A kiss does not signify a relationship! Finn could you take her away please” I beg him and he nods knowing exactly the problem and wraps his arm around Mercedes and guides her down the hall. I turn back to Quinn who is leaning against the lockers with a look of a million questions.

“Mercedes is…uh..she has the wrong end of the stick, Maeve and I aren’t...Uhm, we’re not….what can I do for you?” I shake my head and change the subject and Quinn looks at me, lips in a small grin.

“Well, I was going to ask you how your date was”

“You were?”

“No,” She says quickly and I laugh a little and I watch her smile at me as I do so.

_how can somebody be so sweet and so hard at the same time?_

“Is there something you actually wanted?” I ask, still confused by her presence.

“I was wondering….” She pushes herself off the lockers and takes a step closer to me.

“Uh…yes?” I stutter as my eyes find themselves surveying her body.

_ lord help me. _

“If you would meet me behind the bleachers at lunch?”

_what?_

“Is something wrong? do you need something?” I ask in a moment of panic.

“Just find me ok?” She whispers and walks away leaving me to catch my breath and remember what it felt like to have the use of my legs.


	10. Mint Chocolate

***** Flashback ******

_“Berry! get your stumpy ass off your bed and let’s go!” Santana slams through my door. We had travelled to the city for regionals the previous night and today was performance day so naturally, I was resting my voice during the morning and reading up on some women on broadway who were complete powerhouses, just to boost my confidence a touch but currently, I was being abducted by my fellow glee clubbers and for what I had no clue._

_“Excuse me?”_

_“We’re going to get ice-cream before we head to the show” Brittany claps. Quinn stands in the background just watching the exchange and I can’t help but notice how beautiful she looked in a bright blue skirt._

_“Are you out of your mind? what if we're late?!” I squeal as Santana walks over and rips my book from my hand and throws it on the bed._

_“Santana do you have to be so aggressive?”_

_“Probably, now up and at it,” She says pulling me towards the door, she lets go of my hand as we exit and I fall to the back beside Quinn._

_“Don’t worry,even if they’re late I’ll make sure we’re not” She whispers, my cheeks flush a little at the feeling of her breath hitting my ear and I nod to let her know I understood. We follow Santana out of the hotel and across the street to a small ice cream shop on the corner, the smell of crepes and sugar reminded me of all the trips I took with my dads to the seaside, but on the other hand, my tonsils were curling up in fear._

_“Pancake or Ice cream?” Quinn asks, we found ourselves alone as Brittany and Santana went about their business at the counter and I felt somewhat relaxed being just the two of us._

_“Ice cream always”_

_“Hm, I’m inclined to put them together actually”_

_“Well that’s just sickening” I cringe but catch the laugh that leaves her lips. She takes my hand and leads me to the counter before swiftly letting go and ordering ice cream for us both._

_“Mint chocolate right?” She asks and I nod in disbelief._

_“How did you know that?”_

_“You mentioned it once before…I just have a strong memory I guess” Her eyes drop from mine to the floor._

_“May I?” I ask as she tries to pay. She gives me a shy smile and nods. By the time we had finished, Brittany and Santana had disappeared._

_“She drags me out of my room like the hulk and then vanishes into thin air!” I complain._

_“You get used to that, Santana likes company but only for short periods”_

_“Mhm, I can level with that I guess” I answered thoughtfully, trying to swallow my ice cream whole so as not to let the sugar rest on my throat for too long._

_“Are you planning on choking yourself to death?” Quinn laughs._

_God that’s a heavenly sound_

_“I’m trying to protect my only asset thank you very much!”_

_“Well, just don’t kill yourself doing it,” She says pointedly and ushers me to a bench._

_“I would do no such thing, Broadway needs me!” I exclaim throwing my hands in the air. I turn to Quinn who is in the process of rolling her eyes and I can’t help but notice the way the morning sun was bouncing off of her face, I tend to favour personality over looks but there was no denying that Quinn was probably the most beautiful person I had come across, I find myself staring a little too much and shake my head to bring myself back to the present moment but I know she noticed._

_“I don’t think that’s your only asset,” She says and I bring my gaze back to hers._

_“Uhm…I’m not sure I understand,” I say shovelling another spoon of ice-cream into my mouth._

_“Your voice is beautiful, but it’s not all that is” She practically whispers._

_Am I drunk? Did Santana spike my ice cream?_

_The morning air falls still between us for just a moment, and the world seemed quiet, so quiet I would almost believe that we were the only two people in the city. I wasn’t sure what this was, but I was very aware that there was a tension resting between the two of us, something I hadn’t quite felt before. I watch as Quinn adjust her position and look s at me, scrunching her nose up._

_“You really need to slow down or you’ll end up covered in that!” She reaches her hand up to my face and wipes my chin that had ice cream dripping down it and with it goes any sort of oxygen that I had left in my body. She stands up and wipes her hands in tissue before tossing her tub in the bin nearby._

_“Ok, let’s go before someone sends out a search party because you’re not an hour early!_

***********

The bleachers, why would she ask me to meet her behind the bleachers, I mean honestly, it’s gross back here and I’m pretty sure I can still smell dirty pretzels and beer from the last game that was played here, God who would even sit on these things, certainly not Rachel Berry, but apart from the possible infectious disease I could get, my mind was racing as to why Quinn had asked me to meet her here, was it a ploy to prank me, did she need help with something, was she in trouble? I mean why in God's names would Quinn Fabray of all people want to meet with me in private. I’m not sure why I’m here, but what I do know is that my heart is pounding, my head is spinning and I’m pretty sure my stomach was doing summer salts, as I impatiently waited for the blonde to show up.

“You were supposed to find me, not the other way around” I hear her before I catch her walking towards me and somehow my heart relaxes and speeds up at the same time.

“Sorry, I-I was a little early”

“Classic Rachel,” She says with a smirk and then stays silent, just looking at me, her eyes bright and full of confidence.

“So Uhm, can you tell me why I’m here?”

“Well I-“

“Is this a prank?” I cut her off.

“What?”

“A prank, am I here so you pull down my skirt and post pictures online or have the jocks throw me in a bin or something because if it is then I would just like to say that it-“

“Woah! relax!” She stops me, stepping forward.

“Sorry”

“It’s not a prank,” She says gently, taking another step forward and taking my hand in her own. 

_ What is this? _

“I just want to talk to you”

“B-but why? I mean last time I checked you barely wanted to be my friend and I mean I certainly-“

“Maybe if you gave me chance then I could explain” She cuts off my rambling again. I swear she’s closer to me then she was a minute ago.

“Sorry..what is it?”

“I think we should talk about what happened between us”

“Uhm…you mean when we uhm..” My words fumble up inside my mouth.

“When we kissed yeah” 

“You want me to wipe it from memory and act like it didn’t happen?” I ask and she shakes her head, her hand still holding mine. 

“ Then what?”

“How serious are you about this Maeve girl?” She asks, taking me a little by surprise though right now, nothing was as surprising as what was currently taking place.

“We’ve been out a few times and we…she kissed me but that’s all”

“So she’s not your girlfriend?”

“No but I’m not sure why that’s relev-“ My sentence is cut short when Quinn’s lips land directly on my own, I close my eyes quickly and try to catch up with what was happening. Her lips move ever so cautiously but when I don’t pull away, she kisses me with a little more force, sending explosions all through my body.I kiss her back but let her direct the tempo as I fear it will shake us both from the moment. Quinn gently nips on my bottom lip before pulling away slowly and it takes me a second to open my eyes and when I do she’s standing looking a little shocked but she’s not moving, I’m afraid to speak but I need to know what in the sweet hell had just happened.

“Quinn what-“

“Look,I know I suck sometimes and I’ve sort of been a bitch to you but I felt..something…that night and I just needed to know if it was real”

“And?” I ask carefully and she nods. 

_ god is this what a heart attack feels like? _

“So…what now?” I ask just as the bell rings for class to begin.

“I’ll guess we’ll find out” Sh smirks and makes her way back to the building.


	11. You can tell me (part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So, this chapter and the next and going to be somewhat from Quinn's perspective, I originally had these written for a later point but given the situation with Naya, I wanted to release them now as it focuses on Quinn and Santana's friendship and her character. 
> 
> I'm sure I'm not alone when I say that the whole reason I watched Glee in the first place was because of Santana, she was where I got my confidence and strength at times where I couldn't it myself. She was always going to be a heavy part of this story because she's iconic but I've just brought her in earlier because it felt right. So this is the beginning and the next chapter will be for her and her character that meant so much to the queer community. x

I watched the back of her head as she listened intently to our English teacher speak about something that I hadn’t quite registered but I couldn’t help it, my heart was sitting on the outside of my clothes now, just pumping with excitement and awe. I could still feel it, her lips on mine, I could still taste her chapstick, it was mint. Despite the pounding of my chest, I knew it was risky to let my heart run away with itself, I had to be logical, Quinn was a master at game playing, although that may not be who she really is, it’s the person she is in this building and after months of denying my presence, it seemed too good to be true that she all of a sudden was ready, to be honest, I was trying to be logical about it, though the smell of her shampoo was causing a slight disruption in that process.

_I swear I can hear someone call my name._

“Yo, Yentl” I hear Santana shout and paper ball collides with the side of my head.

“Must you throw things at me?” I snap.

“Yes actually because you-“

“Santana!” Quinn scolds and I watch as Santana cools off and turns back to face the teacher. Usually, Santana gets some sort of a rash if she doesn’t get her daily dose of verbally bashing me but this time she just retreats without any protesting.

“Miss Foran asked you a question” Quinn whispers to me before showing me a closed-mouth smile.

_Crap_

I look up at the teacher who is staring at me, one hand on her hip and eyebrows knitted together. I must have completely tuned out staring at the blonde locks in front of me.

“Sorry Miss, I….wasn't concentrating” I stumble alittle, my eyes landing on Quinn. I turn my head because I can feel Santana’s eyes on me as she flicks back and forth between Quinn and me, a confused looked scrunched on her face.

“Very well, the class is nearly over but in future Miss Berry I expect you to be a little more switched on” She looks down her glasses at me and I nod hastily, Quinn turns to me and smirks, mocking my interaction with the teacher and again I feel Santana staring between us. The bell rings to signal the end of class and I jump a little, somehow in a split second I got lost, lost in her eyes.

“Thank you,” I say, standing beside Quinn as she reaches for her bag.

“For?” She asks, swinging her bag onto her shoulder.

“Stopping Santana before she gave me a verbal smackdown,” I say and she chuckles lightly. A sound that sends butterflies alight in my stomach.

“It’s ok, I never liked it much when she did do that to you,” She says, gesturing for me to follow her.

“Really? because I distinctly remember you laughing nine times out of ten” I quip.

“Well, she can be cruel but you have to admit, most of what she says is either true or absolutely hilarious,” She says pointed and I roll my eyes at her, earning a shove in the arm.

“Well, either way, thank you,” I say and I see a small blush form on her face.

“You’re welcome,” She says and stops at her locker.

“I was surprised though, that she actually stopped and so quickly as well” 

“Yeah, well she and I had a talk and she somehow agreed to leave you alone, though that kind of thing doesn’t happen overnight,” She says and my curiosity peaks.

“You had a talk? Should I be worried?”

“I don’t think so, well it’s Santana so you should always worry but not about this,” She says closing her locker gently and meeting my eyes. A silence falls between us and I just watch her eyes as they drop to my lips, making my heart begin to pound all over again. 

“Can you two not eye fuck in the hallway, it’s making my ponytail curl up” Santana says in a flash as she walks by.

“Ok I need to know what this talk was,”I say throwing my hands in the air, Quinn rolls her eyes and takes my arm, leading me to the cafeteria.

***** _Flashback Quinn’s P.O.V ******_

_“Where’s Berry?” Santana snaps walking into the choir room._

_“I’m not sure, why?” I ask and she huffs._

_“Coach Sylvester pissed me off and I need somebody to take it out on,” She says flailing her arms around._

_“Why do you need Rachel for that?”_

_“She’s the easiest,” She says matter of factly._

_“That’s a bit cruel don’t you think?” I ask and her face scrunches up._

_“Huh?”_

_“Well I know Rachel can be sort of a bitch sometimes but…she’s not all bad and it’s a bit much to go after her because you know she won’t fight back,” I say with my head buried in my book trying to hide the annoyance on my face._

_“Has someone whacked you in the head?” Santana asks dropping her arms in defeat._

_“No, I just think you should give her a break that’s all”_

_“Yuhuh, what’s the real story?” She asks and I look up at her and open my mouth to speak but decide against it and throw my head back into my book._

_“Oh my god” She gasps and I snap my head up to meet her._

_“What?”_

_“I know that look anywhere, you totally wanna bone her!” She says and my face lights itself on fire._

_“That’s not it!” I try to deny it._

_“Try and lie all you like but I know what that looks like and I know you”_

_“Really, it isn’t like that”_

_“Save it, Quinn, you like her don’t you?” She asks, taking a chair and sitting in front of me._

_“I don’t know what you mean” I answer, tugging at the bottom of my skirt._

_“Ok look Q, I know that I have the reputation of a bad bitch and while that's entirely accurate, I care about my friends and as much as we pretend not to care, I know you more than you know yourself most of the time, I know what it looks like when you care about someone”_

_“Santana-“_

_“I get it, you’re this all-holy Christian and your parents sort of suck so this would be difficult for you”_

_“It’s not that,” I say admitting defeat, Santana made me a ‘bad bitch’ but she’s one of my best friends and one thing that comes from being her friend is that she’ll always have your back and the only one that can screw with you is her._

_“Well whatever it is, you can tell me, you were there when I was trying to come to terms with my feelings for Brittany and when I was trying to figure out why I couldn’t stop watching compilations of Beca and Chloe from pitch Perfect,” She says and I laugh a little at the memory. It’s quiet for a moment as I contemplate spilling my guts, but for the last few months, my mind and heart have been screwed up together trying to figure out all of my feelings. I wasn't sure if I was in love, in awe or infatuated but what I did know is that from the time I met Rachel, I knew that I was drawn to her and the night of Puck’s party, it lit something inside me and something clicked into place and since then, I haven’t been dealing very well so I was bursting at the seams, I needed to talk to someone and Santana was probably the best person for the job._

_“I have these feelings, that I’m not quite sure what to do with,” I say and she adjusts herself in her chair, ready for a long explanation._

_“I’m listening”_

_**********_

“ So there you go, I told her everything well apart from the party” Quinn finishes and I’m left a little speechless.

“Why not the party?” I ask

“Well you and I haven’t spoken of it and I had already told her so much that I honestly didn’t have the energy,” She says and I nod in understanding.

“I bet she wasn’t best pleased it was me”

“You’d think that, but Santana isn’t all bad and she doesn’t hate you she just knows you won’t fight back, plus she’s fiercely loyal so she will support anything I do so long as it doesn't cause any trouble,” She says chewing on her lunch.

“Wow”

“Yeah, people think she’s just this crazy girl who’ll fight anything and everything, which is true but although she wouldn’t show it much, she’s actually one of the best friends you could have and she’s really soft…. Just don’t tell her I said that because I don’t think she was kidding when she said she hid razor blades in her hair” Quinn says pointedly making me laugh. 

It was an odd situation for us to be in, for the most part, outside of Glee club, Quinn and I didn’t interact much, in fact, she would go out of her way to act like we didn’t know each other but yet here we were sitting eating lunch together, I’m sure the rest of the school was baffled by it but I didn’t care much, I had to admit that it was nice to sit and talk to her while she was being so honest and open, it was the side to Quinn that she never shows unless it’s behind closed doors.

“Do you think we should talk about it?” I ask nervously.

“About what?” 

“The party,” I ask and she starts playing with her food.

“Uhm, I guess we could”

“I only ask because this is very confusing for me and you I’m sure and I think it would be better to iron out the creases before we go any further, I..I mean if we…I..you..uh want to” I stammer and she gives me a soft smile that seems to calm my nerves.

“Look, Rach”

_Was that a nickname? Agh focus!_

_“_ I’m not sure what this is really, but I know there’s something that I would like to figure out, so how about we take it one day at a time,” She says with a touch of nervousness.

“Sounds good to me” 


End file.
